The Diamond Jubilee Tea Salon
Fortnum & Mason
181 Piccadilly
St James’s
W1A 1ER
Savoury Afternoon Tea: £65pp* (excl. 12.5% service charge)
Happy 2022, teaholics! Do I have the perfect post to kickstart the new year. I’ve enjoyed many an afternoon tea and will continue to do so till the funds dry up and I’m forced onto OnlyFans with an account dedicated to knee porn, but I suspect that this is the peak of my tea-drinking dalliances. This is the afternoon tea by which all other teas will be judged. It’s Fortnum’s, folks, and it’s a showstopper
Location - Piccadilly. The Royal Academy. St James Palace. The Angel of Christian Charity that everyone wrongly assumes is Eros because they are both nude and lugging around a bow and arrow (either that or signwriters charge by the letter). Top tip: Visit the Burlington Arcade just across the road for a pre-tea pick-me-up. When you have passed a shop selling a second-hand watch for £19,900, paying £65 for afternoon tea looks like a good deal
Dark tourism fact - South African crooner Al Bowlly (‘Midnight, the stars and you’ at the end of ‘The Shining’. Also a favourite of smut-peddling bedwear enthusiast Hugh Hefner. Not a ringing endorsement, I know, but he is far more wonderful than this factoid would suggest) died when a Luftwaffe parachute mine fell outside his Jermyn Street apartment on the 17th April 1941. Reports suggest his bedroom door blew off and hit him over the head. And no, that is NOT funny! A knob whacking you in the face is a serious matter. Stop snickering this instant!
Foodie facts about Fortnum’s - They were the first store in the UK to sell Heinz baked beans and were the first to encase an egg in sausage meat and breadcrumbs, thus creating the Scotch Egg (If this was a TV show I’d claim to have footage from the testing room and do a Family Guy-style cutaway to the campfire scene from ‘Blazing Saddles’. Just use your imagination, people!)
Atmosphere - There’s a pianist on a Steinway playing a spirited selection of Cole Porter tunes in the entrance lobby. It is occasionally drowned out by children playing the world’s loudest game of Tag, but he’s giving it a good go. At least you could potentially lead the room in a rousing rendition of ‘It’s De-Lovely’. I was certainly singing along, though I did it quietly so as not to put the other customers off their puddings
Service - I’m a terrible person. This is true both in general and also in the sense that I am terrible at remembering people’s names. I say this because the waiter who served my tea and politely answered all of my dumb questions (Q: ‘What are those funny green things?’ A: ‘Vegetables, madam’) was lovely and it’s quite bad that he told me his name three times and I still can’t remember it. He gave me complementary cakes; advised that I could replenish any part of the tea I wanted; and poured me a quarter of a cup of tea even though I didn’t want him to (seriously, why do waiters never fill a cup beyond the halfway mark when they offer to pour it for you? I like when it spills over the rim and I get to slurp it out of the saucer. It’s proof that money hasn’t spoilt me). Given the shocking state of my love life, after two hours it felt almost like we were in a relationship. So whoever you are, Fortnum’s has a good man in you
In addition to the excellent table service, I should also point out that the online booking process was straightforward; an email regarding dietary requirements was answered promptly; and even though I arrived 40 minutes early for the booking the FOH team easily found me a quiet spot in the corner where I could spy on my fellow diners and inspect my food hall purchases (the Prince Charles ‘Highgrove’ chocolate a particular disappointment. Sort it out, Chuck! You’re making Fergie’s ‘Budgie the Little Helicopter‘ look good by comparison). Everything is done well and everyone was extremely helpful. Thumbs up for Fortnum’s
Presentation – It’s Fortnum’s and it costs £65. Of course it is going to be lovely. There is an opulence and sense of tradition without it ever feeling stuffy. I love the colour-scheme; the gold rims around the teacups; the linen; the three-tiered stand with climbing ivy motifs. It is all you could hope for and more
Savouries – Finally, on to the good stuff. This is the savoury tea option. I chose this because I sometimes get rather weary of jam and a savoury tea sounded like a more healthy option. It isn’t, not is this quantity and when it is consumed this quickly. The fact that you can request extras of anything you like is also a temptation too difficult to resist, especially when everything looks and tastes this good
Asparagus spears in herbed butter – Served at the start of the tea. You see; vegetables! They’re good for you. This afternoon tea is practically a salad
Ragstone Goats Cheese with Grape & Walnut - Crackers and cheese, essentially, but very lovely crackers and cheese. I also admire the acid house green colouring. I wasn’t aware you could find that shade in nature. Groovy, man
Country Terrine – I enjoyed two of these forcemeat delights as I couldn’t face the quail scotch egg, a delicacy that even in the place of its birth is just a fart cloved in substance (I’d do well in marketing)
Smoked Trout Mousse with Almonds & Keta Caviar – Simply delicious. I’m glad I now have a name for this particular garnish. It stops me calling them orange tapioca balls and sounding like a uncultured peasant
Oeufs Drumkibo – A dish often served on the Britannia and a favourite with the Queen mum when she wasn’t necking Gin & Dubonnet (I’m not suggesting the Queen mum was a big drinker, but if I had to wear those hats I’d be on mothers ruin before lunchtime too). A rich lobster mousse garnished with a black wafer that clings stubbornly to your teeth and a micro-blob of extremely salty caviar. Deliciously decadent
Sandwiches – Five filling finger sandwiches made with the finest ingredients
Suffolk Cured Ham with Piccalilli – slices of ham on top of ham with extra slices of ham with a dash of ham. There’s a lot of pig here, is what I’m saying
Cucumber with Mint Cream Cheese – You see! First asparagus, now cucumber. Two of your five a day! They really look after your health at Fortnum’s
Fortnum’s Smoked Salmon with Samphire – You can rarely go wrong with salmon, and Google has reliably informed me that Samphire is another green, sprouty thing, so I’m officially the healthiest person in London right now
Coronation Chicken – Two of these provided to substitute for an egg mayonnaise monstrosity. I wasn’t cheeky enough to ask them to substitute for chicken. My waiter (Still can’t recall his name. I’m just going to call him Percy from now on) brought the stand and delighted in telling me that they had exchanged the egg for the best alternative they had. I liked that. It’s like they anticipated my greed
Scones – No pandering to the Devon/Cornwall brigade this week. I’m in savoury scones mode (a menu at F&M Royal Exchange – where I am currently polishing off a very nice mushroom Wellington - informs me that you pronounce scone as in ‘gone’, not scone as in ‘stone’. What balls! As in soft, dangly objects you don’t want someone to kick). There is a lovely courgette and thyme scone served with whipped Ricotta and a fantastic Portland crab scone served with a dish of delicious white crab and apple mayonnaise. Both are superb and extremely filling
Desserts – this part is tricky as I don’t have the actual names for any of the items served (Percy talked me through it but I have the memory of a fruit fly, so I’ll be improvising from this point on). It is worth noting that even though I wasn’t expecting the dessert plate as part of the savoury tea the team were happy to provide it when I asked if I could order it separately. There was also no additional charge for this, which was a nice surprise. I had thought that as well as the arm and the leg this was costing I’d be forced to chuck in a torso too. Kudos to me for asking
“Slimer” lime and green tea slice – As I said, this is not the official name. Establishments tend to avoid using words like slime on their menus (though ‘unctuous’ once made an ill-advised appearance. See TW2 post). I’m using it because I could go through life slipping ‘Ghostbusters’ references into everyday conversation. Favourite quote from the franchise: ‘I used to have a roommate, but my mom moved to Florida.’ Classic
Creamy praline square - served on a crunchy biscuit base
Cylindrical fruit wafer - filled with fluffy strawberry and vanilla mousse, topped with fresh strawberries and white chocolate
Miniature éclair - a sugary sweet puff of loveliness. Are flower petals nutritious? Nevermind. Since when has that been a consideration?
Miniature black cherry tart – the best of the collection. Rich and fruity and utterly delicious
Bonus items – Although this is a savoury tea it comes with a complimentary slice of Battenberg or fruit tart depending on your preference… unless you are a delicate English rose who has said thank you 127 times and gives the general impression of being pale and malnourished. In that case you get TWO complimentary desserts! At the same time! Without asking! For no other reason than you are clearly their favourite guest ever (either that or they were about to close and didn’t want good food going to waste when the pathetically grateful could benefit). Or maybe they saw me scribbling down my thoughts and recognised me for the serious scribe and world-renowned wit that I am, so they didn’t want to risk my ire if I chose to give them a bad write up. My ho-hum review of Maison Blanc lead directly to their Chiswick store shutting down in 2016. It’s amazing what one poor notice and an annual loss of £3,000,000 can do to a business
Tea - Only two pots sampled so I feel I let the side down by not trying more, but both the zingy Lemon Verbena and the Fortnum’s Afternoon blend (“wonderfully uplifting” according to the menu. I should probably order a crateful) accompany the tea perfectly
Service: 5/5
Surroundings: 5/5
Savoury selection: 5/5
Scones: 5/5
Dessert Selection: 5/5
Verdict - It really doesn’t get any better than this. Perfect on every level. 5/5 teacups. Also, an extra teacup awarded for the fabulous take away boxes for my surplus cakes and savouries. Everything made it home in one piece and I was able to take a box out with me the next day for a mini tea on the top deck of the 94 bus (you are allowed to remove a face covering to eat and drink on public transport. Eating Pâté wrapped in bacon is no different from popping in a Tic Tac… actually, I’ll stop there. I don’t need the Met police investigating me for historic offences. They shouldn’t need to check under that patio, but you just never know…
💿🎸💿🎸💿
Rockin’ London Feature: The Hard Rock Café Vault Tour (150 Old Park Lane, W1K 1QZ) - There are a zillion things to do in Central London, but if you have a spare few minutes whilst wandering around Piccadilly, be sure to pay a quick visit to the Hard Rock Café shop. Now, I must confess to having zero interest in anything Hard Rock related. I’ve never been to one so I can’t comment on the food, but to me they are essentially McDonald’s with a Fender Stratocaster strapped to a wall. However, this particular Hard Rock shop is a bit special, or at least, the basement is
Many moons ago, the building was home to the rather swish Coutts bank. Rumour has it that the vault was used by Queen Victoria to store her valuables in, and that Princess Diana tried her wedding dress on down here in the days before her future husband branched out into crap confectionary. That same vault is now open to the public for a guided tour, but rather than focusing on its royal connections, the vault is now home to an amazing collection of rock and pop memorabilia. And even though the space is roughly the size of a standard family bathroom, this is a must-see for music fans and is crammed full of fascinating artefacts. Highlights include an ornate Japanese chair owned by Freddie Mercury (to think that I have touched the seat that once touched the arse of the king of Queen. Made it Ma! Top of the world), a coat worn by Elvis during the Vegas fat years, and Madonna’s infamous Gaultier bra, less cone-shaped and more melted Mr. Whippy nowadays. Guided tours of the vault are free, take place every 15-20 minutes, and are available by speaking to a member of staff in store. Rock on, pop pickers!
*Prices/information subject to change
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Scones In The City 