Sketch 9 Conduit Street Mayfair W1S 2XG Tel: 020 7659 4500 Sketch Afternoon tea £75pp* Served Monday-Sunday 11:00 - 16:00
Afternoon tea at The Gallery at Sketch, Mayfair
G’day, folks. A shorter post today, but don’t let the lack of paragraphs fool you. This is one of the best. I was able to tick ‘Afternoon tea at Sketch’ off my ‘Teas To Taste With Bankruptcy Nigh’ bucket list during the halcyon days of 2021, back when we could still afford to eat and didn’t need an overdraft to boil the kettle. Sadly, being the sort of blogger who writes better in their head and is often distracted by shiny objects, I put writing about this experience on the backburner where it simmered to the point of evaporation. Almost. Whilst recently sorting through photographs on my phone, I realised that this was an experience too good to remain forever trapped in The Cloud. Dining at this glamourous, Michelin-starred extravaganza had been an ambition of mine for years, and it didn’t disappoint. It was wonderful. It was unique. It was… well, expensive, though as I’ve mentioned, this was the era before wiping yourself on the shower curtain to avoid buying loo roll was a viable cost cutting measure, and as my then £60pp afternoon tea has now skyrocketed to £75pp, I feel I got something of a bargain.
However, owing to a recent spate of unexpected journeys across the globe (Poland, Bangor. Newcastle-Under-lyme. All the classics), I have little time for waffle. So, reverting to the old adage that a picture is worth a thousand words to make up for my laziness, I present you with a pictorial tour of my adventures at Sketch. It is, without doubt, one of my favourite afternoon teas and worthy of every bit of the hype it has received, though things have changed quite a bit since my visit late last year. So, as a belated goodbye to The Gallery of old, let’s pay homage to Jayne Mansfield’s boudoir with pithy captions and fabulous photos. The pink palace may have had a facelift, but we shall preserve its vintage, day-glo, Doris Day/Rock Hudson 60’s sex comedy vibe for all eternity. Ta-ra, you kitschy curio.
The understated exterior of Sketch, a Grade II listed former Georgian townhouse in the heart of Mayfair. That cyclist must have been extremely paranoid about someone stealing his bike
The main entrance hall to Sketch… or a set design from ‘Drop Dead Fred‘ that don’t make it into the final film
I did something similar once carrying a bowl of tomato soup up a flight of stairs. Shockingly, no one thought to preserve my artwork on the Axminster
The Parlour at Sketch. Perfect for a causal bite before a jaunt along Regent Street. Not Oxford Street. There are only so many knock-off Wonka bars from tax-evading candy shops one person can eat
Sketch Glade, an enchanted woodland-themed bar and restaurant famous for breakfast and evening drinks
Barbie’s dream house meets The Tate Modern. The Gallery at SketchSince my visit in late 2021, the famous pink facade of The Gallery has undergone a radical transformation. No more pink. No more David Shigley prints and tableware. No more plush velvet chairs. The restaurant is now a haven of Africa-inspired culture with yellow tones and traditional art and textiles. However, if you are as nostalgic for the kitsch wonderland of shell-pink and pop art as I am, you can currently purchase one of the iconic barrel-backed chairs from a number of online outlets for a cool £1,500. To all the women who see Elle Woods as their spirit guide: this is your moment!
A playful twist on the traditional boiled egg and soldiers; a rich Comté cheese Mornay, 63° egg yolk, a creamy, nutty dollop of caviar, and two Comté cheese soldiers. Yep, just the two. Sorry, but I don’t think that’s going to fly
Now that’s more like it! Now we have a squadron worthy of that caviar. The staff are lovely, so no need to feel embarrassed if asking for extras. There’s a lot of egg to scoop up, after all
Soldiers standing to attention, though here they look like they’re collapsing as they run through tires on a training course
The money shot of all afternoon tea porn
Forgoing the egg gougère and its “egg white petals”, we have instead an assortments of sandwiches ranging from coronation chicken on malted bread, cucumber & asparagus on white, smoked salmon & ricotta on malted, and a glorious truffle brioche bun stuffed with black truffle and cream cheese. I’m delighted to report that my request for extra chicken sandwiches and truffle buns was fulfilled and then some. Don’t think I’ve ever been so stuffed with an afternoon tea
Warm sultana scone with Cornish clotted cream and blueberry & orange blossom jam. Why a square scone? Well, according to the menu that I kept as a souvenir (it’s hard to smuggle a cake stand out down your pants), square scones were created during wartime rationing to eliminate any wastage from cutting out the traditional circular shape. I love when my food comes with a side order of factoids
It has apparently been decided by Debrett’s that the jam is spread before the cream in order to avoid a breach in scone etiquette. If you want to read more articles about keeping your elbows out of the sugar bowl and why you shouldn’t sneeze on the sandwiches, you can subscribe to the Debrett’s website for as little as £4.99 per month, where they will teach you not to slurp tea out of the saucer if it sloshes over the rim of your cup. The art of scone suavity may go under the “challenging foods” tab on their “social graces” page. I know I start to palpitate whenever I have to spread cream on baked goods. What if people in the restaurant I’ve never meet and don’t care about start to laugh at me?
A piping hot cup of the greenest of green matcha tea. Grassy and frothy and ever-so-slightly nutty. One of the nicest matcha blends I’ve enjoyed in a long time
A fine chef’s selection of desserts ranging from a zingy orange cheesecake, a rich chocolate and buckwheat cake, a charming bergamot macaroon, a zesty passionfruit tart, and a playful dish of lemon and orange marshmallows. Delightful
Today’s cake from the trolley: cherry and pistachio battenberg. Not sure when battenberg cake came back into vogue on the London food scene. I put it in the same category as Eccles cakes and barm rolls: the kind of foods you rarely see in shops, but which Peter Kay could spend 20 minutes riffing about in case you weren’t totally convinced he was from the north and needed to pad out a gig’s run-time
A secret bar located through the doors leading to the toilets. I hope the music is effective at blocking out the hand dryer/flush chorus happening overhead
Getting a weird lapdancer vibe from this secret bar. Must be the black leather seating. Very easy to clean in the event of… er, spontaneous ebullition. If you ever write another 50 Shades book, Mrs James, you can have that euphemism on me
Egg-shaped toilet cubicles, or “pee-pods” as I have christened them. Take out the rainbow panelling and this is the pastel version of the giant eggs hatching in Roland Emmerich’s ‘Godzilla’
Egg-shaped “pee-pod” toilets. Turner Prize art installation meets ‘2001: A Space Odyssey‘ meets ‘Alien‘ meets inside-out Kinder Egg collectionOkay, I need to stop hanging around these unisex toilets. People will talkOne of the two takeaway boxes I brought away at the end of the tea. This came out with me the next day, providing a welcomed distraction between South Ealing and Acton Town as my tube stalled at a red signal
Surroundings: Pink, pretty, and playful. 5/5 Service: Lovely waiting staff who couldn’t have been more attentive. 5/5 Savoury selection: Delicious, and the comte cheese egg and soldiers pushed it over the edge. 5/5 Scones: Just the one, but the blueberry and orange jam makes it a mighty fine one. 5/5 Desserts: A little bit of everything, and all of it delightful. 5/5
Verdict - Top of the class. An Indulgent joy from start to finish. 5/5 teacups.
And there we have it, folks. Another landmark London experience under our belts and saved for posterity. As we are snowballing into Christmas (ding-dong), I’m getting my favourite pudding-themed jumper out of mothballs and dusting off my candy cane headband to bring you highlights from around the capital. Expect lights and trees and pies and pigs and puddings and plenty of festive feasting. So, till next time, old beans xx
*Prices/information subject to change
Feel free to share stories, views and tips in the comments section below. Always fun to hear from fellow teaholics xx
Comedic novelist, committed bibliophile, afternoon tea blogger, walking personality disorder. Spoiling a good view since 1987 and other mental meanderings.
View all posts by Julia Thacker
Scones In The City 
Definitely an experience!
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