The Rolling Scones Café
God’s Own Junkyard
Unit 12, Ravenswood Industrial Estate
Shernhall Street
Walthamstow
E17 9HQ
Afternoon Tea: £19.50pp*
Welcome back, folks. You find me today at God’s Own Junkyard, Walthamstow. I was here back in the halcyon days of 2019, when all we thought we had to worry about was whether we’d pay roaming charges if we made a call in Benidorm after January 31st 2020. What an amazing time that was. Brexit. Donald Trump. Seems rather quaint now. I was a mere slip of a 32-year-old with a job I felt ill-suited for living in accommodation I didn’t like with a love life stuck in reverse gear. Now I’m… exactly the bloody same! Seriously, I think I’m even wearing the same pants as I was in 2019. How is it possible to have come through so much yet have achieved so little? My life is truly a cul-de-sac
Yet I have achieved something today. I was determined to drink tea surrounded by a kaleidoscopic array of blinding bulbs and that’s exactly what I did. God’s Own Junkyard is still very much open and is still as dazzling as ever. I could happily live in this museum to neon tubing and never get bored, though trying to get to sleep might be tricky, as would listening to the monotonous whine of customers in knitted trapper hats inquiring about plant-based sandwich alternatives instead of just sitting down and shutting up. Seriously, you are in one of the most fantastic, vibrant locations in London and you’re complaining that you can’t get scrambled tofu! You are to fun what salt is to slugs
I, however, am full of merriment. The ongoing ‘Pingdemic’ coupled with a strength-sapping heatwave seems to be keeping people off the streets and out of my favourite haunts. It’s the weekend. The earflap hat brigade should be out in force, yet they are conspicuous in their absence, probably eating alfalfa sprouts and growing their own denim on a commune somewhere, so I have the place pretty much to myself. This is handy when taking pictures as I don’t have to crop out unwanted heads and disembodied bums. Also, as I’m exploring alone I’m not subject to the normal rules of engagement, i.e. booking ahead like a reasonable person so as not to be a burden to others. It’s easy to knock up a plate of sandwiches and a pot of tea for one starving waif, and as I have the kind of face that strangers often mistake for friendly I can usually squeeze in somewhere without causing too much extra work. If they’d said no to afternoon tea I would have settled for a cuppa and a Tunnock’s caramel wafer and been just as happy. Caramel wafers are the supreme leaders of the biscuit world, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
Location – The area surrounding Walthamstow tube station is bustling and fairly generic, but the area around Orford Road is rather nice. Lots of cafés and gift/cack shops selling knitted cacti in a pot (if you’re trying the gauge how gentrified your area has become in recent years, count the number of shops on your street selling socks with Frida Kahlo’s face on the instep. It’ll tell you more than any census). God’s Own Junkyard is just up the road on a former industrial estate. It’s good that they were able to convert the units rather than knock them down. That might have led to something truly terrible being built in their place, like a BOXPARK. Oh, how I have grown to LOATH BOXPARK. Sleep in a metal container they call it a shanty town. Drink a kale smoothie in one and it’s a fashionable community hub. What a load of bollocks!
Atmosphere – Like lights? Like shiny things? Like bopping around under a gigantic disco ball to Modern Talking and Aztec Camera? Well, congratulations! You have found your niche Nirvana
Fun fact – There are over 1000 signs which constitutes just 10% of the overall collection. Also, the electricity bill is over £3,000 per month, so if you ever feel bad about leaving the landing light on, spare a thought for the Bracey family and their neon sausage dog
So, the place is Blade Runner on steroids. What about the afternoon tea? Well, it’s fine. The textbook definition of fine. All very fine and okay and… er, fine. You see, The Rolling Scones Café – with its naughty nudie neon’s, industrial park aesthetic and bouncy 80’s soundtrack – doesn’t lend itself well to afternoon tea. It’s got the vibe of a nightclub or underground speakeasy. You wouldn’t order scones in a nightclub. The two concepts don’t go together, like bikinis and Alaska, or me and a loving relationship. That isn’t to say that the afternoon tea is bad. It isn’t. It’s filling and tastes good for the most part. It’s just that… well, a floral three-tiered stand doesn’t belong on a table decorated with grinning skulls. I love a three-tiered stand. I LOVE a grinning skull. These two things do not go together unless you’re taking tea at Ed Gein’s house. It’s a total mismatch, but then, was the request for scrambled bloody tofu any more fitting? Not really. I sense that the true calling for Rolling Scones would be as a cocktail bar with a sideline in stuffed olives. Neon and cocktails are a perfect pairing. Neon and PG Tips? Er…
Sandwiches – A good selection depending on whether you like egg mayonnaise and sweetcorn with a hint of tuna. I’ve actually never eaten tuna and sweetcorn combined before, so that was interesting. On the evidence presented here I don’t think I’ll be eating it again, but if you like corn niblets you’ll have a ball. Plus it’s fun to say the word ‘niblets’. I opted out of egg and asked for extra ham and mustard which was very nice, as was the cucumber. They are not the most elegant or best presented but there are 16 fingers per person so you will definitely leave feeling full. And bloated. And backed up. And extremely windy. That might just be me
Scones – It might not have been served warm as promised but it was stuffed with currants and had a light, fluffy texture. The jam and cream were also very nice but… well, that plastic carton! Seriously, that just looks pants! No other word for it. Yes, everything tastes good and that’s more important than the aesthetics, but trendy food tossers like me don’t want our next Insta post littered with ugly containers that look like they were once filled with BBQ sauce for a side order of hot wings. We want tiny ceramic bowls and dainty spoons and… er, now I think of it, I couldn’t find a spoon at home the other day so I poured a hazelnut yoghurt into my mouth and used my fingers to get at the nuts clinging to the bottom of the pot, so me lecturing others on etiquette sounds hollow and could get me cancelled on the grounds of snobbery. And then what would I do? My fanbase could easily fit into one Smart car. Any more haughty remarks and we might have to downgrade to a E-Scooter
Desserts – Four pieces of cake cut with an hacksaw. That might not sound promising but again it’s more of an issue with the presentation than a complaint about the food. The two cakes are very good. The chocolate fudge cake was a little too rich so I could only manage one piece, but the blueberry cake with lemon icing was moist and rather delicious
Tea – So that’s what happened to all those teapots after BHS went bust! I hate these things. They are too small, the lid never closes properly and they are always covered in water stains. They are naff. Nafferty-naff-naff-naff! The tea itself is fine and the staff kindly refilled my pot with hot water a number of times but THAT pot and THAT milk jug are, quite simply, the death of afternoon tea. Okay, so that might be stretching it a bit, but those pots are a throwback to the bad old days of the BHS café where women in hairnets slopped beans onto a plate you slid along the counter as though waiting in line at a prison canteen. I was able to steal a lot of UHT milk pots from BHS though during my youth, so it wasn’t a total loss. Actually, looking back, that might have played a part in its downfall. Apologies, former BHS bods. Between myself and Philip Green we broke you completely
Service: 3/5
Surroundings: 5/5
Savory selection: 2.5/5
Scones: 2.5/5
Dessert selection: 2.5/5
Verdict – Not the best afternoon tea and not well presented, but elevated by a fantastic atmosphere and stunning decor. 3/5 teacups
P.S. As part of the tea I was given a complimentary Lindor truffle. I decided to save it and popped it in my shirt pocket for later. Who knew chocolate didn’t do well in hot weather?
*Prices/information correct as of 24/7/21
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Scones In The City 